Friday, November 20, 2009

Something's wrong

I have not been the best version of myself lately.

I see an aged couple stepping out of the rickshaw below my building. I recognize them as the lovely people who fed me tea when I had gone to their place to get a survey filled. They have several shopping bags with them and they are clearly finding it difficult to carry all of them together.

I am slightly dressy as I am heading out for a party. It troubles me that for that moment when I saw them step out of the rickshaw, all I wanted was, to get that rickshaw, take me to Bandra which is where I was headed. For a mini fraction there, I remember me telling me that I should be helping these sweet old people with their numerous bags. But I didn’t. I just smiled, got into the rickshaw and drove away.

On another day last week, I was boarding the train from Kandivali and a heavy plastic bag hit the back of my arm. I turn to see a woman holding a boy of about four years old in one hand and the bag is another. I DO NOT consider her history or her context which I should have. Instead, as I enter the train, I INTENTIONALLY push her.

I don’t know why I am being so cruel. These incidents are etched in my brain because I DON’T do stuff like this. I DON’T.

But I did.


varunrdutt said...

we are so preoccupied these days. there is always such a dissonance between whats going inside our head and whats happening in front of our eyes. its easier to get lost in our ipod powered life soundtrack(which was probably not the case with ya). we have become numb to the outside world because we become selfish day by day - blame it on the technology, or whatever - the thing is its happening and we can't deny it. so to cut the long story short - we should start going back to the basics and start acting on our gut instincts without hesitating if thats possible. In that split second of hesitation always manage to figure out justifications for not doing what your gut is telling you to.

i know its on a completely different tangent ... ( :) )
did that make any sense? :P

A Thought Experiment said...

yes and no! :)
May be its the technology, may be not! I believe everyone does 'mean' things like this. May be some of us realise them so powerfully while others don't. May be others have good 'valid' justifications and I dont. May be they are consumed by technology or something else. May be they are not. May be they are just like that.

But I am not and I dont want to be.I try and constantly mirror my life to avoid the dissonance. I guess you are right to say that I am quite lost and confused and consumed but I am sort of happy to find i am not numb yet!

And i will make a new choice the next time - the gut insticnt one!

Manas said...

It has been 6 months now. so how r u doing with it?